


The Extraordinary Lubricity

by prairiecrow



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Alien Culture, Dialogue-Only, Flirting, M/M, Victoriana, Wordplay, Written Pornography
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-18
Updated: 2011-08-18
Packaged: 2017-10-22 18:34:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/241233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prairiecrow/pseuds/prairiecrow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The usual lunchtime conversation... or perhaps not.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Extraordinary Lubricity

**Author's Note:**

> A dialogue-only fic set sometime after "The Wire". Inspired by a post on Tumblr concerning the strange terms that Victorians used to refer to genitals, and what would happen if Bashir decided to loan some erotica from that period to Garak.

SETTING: The Replimat, Bashir and Garak's regular table. 

*******************

J: I'm sorry I'm late, Garak, I ran into — 

G: "Mister Pego"?

J: I, ah —

G: "Rampant machine"? "Glorious cods"? "The extraordinary lubricity"?

J: Would you —

G:  _"The rosy-tinted aperture of her cavernous recess"?_

J: Keep your voice down!

G: How can I? Everybody should be made aware that such wonders of the Terran language exist and indeed, are still in print! Four hundred years have passed and still they linger, to be inflicted on unsuspecting readers such as myself!

J: …so you didn't like it?

G: "Didn't like it"? Such an expression pales in the face of my amazement and dismay — which, I'm sure you'll agree, are fully justified under the circumstances. Really, Doctor, did you think that was fair? To spring such…  _salacious_  content on me without any warning whatsoever?

J: You mean the way you lent me  _The Oblique Entanglement_  two weeks ago without saying a word about its actual content?

G: I’ll have you know that  _The Oblique Entanglement_  is a classic of Cardassian  _ve’harnak_ literature!

J: I see. And by any chance, does  _ve’harnak_ translate as _taking it up the arse?_

G: Doctor! Keep  _your_  voice down!

J: You could have at least warned me to be sitting in a stable position when Kertok went to Servet’s tent during the Battle of the Three Knives.

G: And spoil the impact that the author intended?

J: “Impact” is one word for it…

G: Oh, don’t make such a face. The episode in question was key in advancing the plot. Whereas in this Victorian drivel you loaned me —

J: It advanced the plot? You’re joking.

G: …I take it you didn’t read past that point.

J: Not after getting bushwhacked by Kertok’s “massive and majestically ridged  _thernek_ ” I didn’t!

G: Ah, but you do admit that the phrase stuck in your mind!

J: How could it not? My God! I had nightmares for three days afterwards.

G: Now you're the one who's joking.

J: Well… only a little. I don't expect to be reading Cardassian literature and run headlong into hardcore pornography.

G: You see, that's the real problem here: your all-too-Human tendency to view sexuality as something separate from the general business of life — and as vaguely disreputable to boot.

J: That's scarcely a fair assessment.

G: Isn't it? Then why did you turn green and close the book as soon as Kertok whipped out his —

J: Don't remind me! Ugh. 

G: Or… perhaps it's sexual activity between two men that's the issue here?

J: No! I mean, of course not. 

G: Well, good. I'd hate to think that my initial assessment of your openmindedness was mistaken.

J: How  _do_  Cardassians feel about that, anyway?

G: The highest value in Cardassian society is placed on raising a family and producing children. I'll leave you to figure that one out for yourself.

J: Well then, the Victorian erotica must have hit just the right note.

G: I don't recall anyone in question being married. At least, not to each other.

J: The fact that they weren't was part of the thrill of it all: the Victorians placed just as much emphasis on the sanctity of the family as Cardassians seem to.

G: Yet you don't see us writing long and technically involved descriptions of males and females involved in extramarital romps.

J: What about Kertok and Servet?

G: I'll have you know that the erotic bond between fellow warriors has a long and venerable histor… you  _did_  read the passage in question, didn't you!

J: What? No! Of course not! I just said —

G: Yes you did! You wouldn't look half so uncomfortable otherwise. Besides, if you hadn't how would you know that it involved penetration? 

J: …I'm a physician, and information on Cardassian sexual practices is hard to come by.

G: Well. If you wanted to know, you only had to ask.

J: …!

G: Oh, my — here, Doctor, have a sip of water… are you all right?

J: *cough cough* I'm fine, just utterly astounded.  _What_  did you say?

G: Only that if you desire education in Cardassian sexual practices, I'd be happy to assist you.

J: That's… what I thought you said.

G: …and?

J: And… what?

G: Did you finish reading  _The Oblique Entanglement_?

J: Eventually…

G: …?

J: It was a lot juicier than  _The Neverending Sacrifice_ , that's for sure.

G: You know, Doctor, perhaps I'm simply not approaching the samples you gave me with the proper…  _elan._  Would you be open to a proposal?

J: That depends on the proposal.

G: Part of the problem may be that I'm not reading them in the proper "voice", so to speak: the diction in question seems highly stylized and very specific to its time and place. Now, if you, who are more familiar with the texts in question, were to assist me by reading them aloud for me…

J: …and in return, you'd help me to understand some of the references in  _The Oblique Entanglement_  that I couldn't make heads nor tails of, so to speak?

G: Precisely!

J: …

G: …

J: You know, the examples I lent you were rather crude even by the not exactly highbrow standards of the time. There's another piece that you might like considerably better:  _Teleny_ , a novel which was said to be written by Oscar Wilde, although he never publicly admitted to its authorship.

G: Really?

J: Well, he was later tried and convicted for acts of sodomy, which puts the text in a whole new light for later readers. Homosexual acts used to be considered crimes punishable by imprisonment.

G: How fortunate that we live in more enlightened times.

J: And then there are the works of Walt Whitman. He was a poet, which will make his writing even harder to interpret coming from the point of view of another culture…

G: …but of course I'll have you to help me.

J: In fact, that might actually be the best place to start. There's a particular poem called "We Two, How Long We Were Fool'd" that should give you a taste for his work. I'll just come by your shop after my shift is over and drop it off, shall I?

G: Only if you agree to read it aloud to me at that very moment, my dear. After my disastrous experience with the Victorian literature you've loaned me thus far, I'm afraid I simply don't trust my critical abilities to rise to the challenge without your dedicated and skillful assistance. 

THE END


End file.
